It’s ok to say it…

I truly believe we were created to work. I even believe we will all have jobs in Heaven. I also 100% believe that being a mother/stay at home mother is a legit job. Just like any job it takes certain talents and abilities to be a full time homemaker.  Some women were made for it, some designed to do it for a season of their life, and for some it’s just not their cup of tea. However, in society today it seems like once we become a mom the decision to stay home or go back to work is like the giant elephant in the room. We are judged by either one we choose.  Oh and heaven forbid you ever confess that you don’t thoroughly enjoy wiping butts, playing referee, or folding laundry just to have it unfolded seconds later every day. Well here it goes….I’m going to say it…….

GOD DID NOT CREATE ME TO BE A FULL TIME STAY AT HOME MOM (at least for this season in my life) and it has taken me a while to be okay with saying that.

This past Saturday was my first day back to work. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard. I got teary eyed when I pulled out of the driveway leaving my family behind on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. But the second I opened the doors to Saks Fifth Avenue and smelled the perfume in the air, saw all the beautiful red and gold Christmas decorations, and heard the clicking of high heels on the tile floor I felt a permanent smile crease across my face and I knew it was going to be a great day!

The whole drive there I had mixed emotions. I was sad about leaving, but excited all at the same time. And I felt guilty for the excitement that I had. As I was talking to God out loud in the car He said to me two things. First “it’s ok to be excited. I gave you these talents and I’m so happy to see you using them” and “use this opportunity I am giving you to be a light for me.” Colossians 3:23 immediately came to my head. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as if working for the Lord not men.” When I look at my job from that perspective all the anxiety I have completely goes away and I can barely wait to get on with blessing others that day.

So for now I will be playing the role of mommy and freelance makeup artist and I’m finally cool with saying that out loud. I feel very fortunate to have found a way to do both things that I love. Taking time on my hair and makeup, strapping on some heels, and leaving my boys for a couple hours during the week refreshes me and makes me a better mommy to them so we all win! And for those women out there who would love to stay home with their children, but the timing just isn’t right I’d say to you bring it to God. He is after all the one who put those desires in your heart. He knows what you were created for; what makes you thrive,  and is actively working on ways to bring specific opportunities your way. It may not be this year, it may not be till 5 years from now, but He is listening, and He has the ultimate timing.

Whether you’re working in the corporate world, running an online business, or being a stay at home mom let everything you do be to glorify Him, to share the story of His love and grace. And for heaven sakes don’t let the talents God gave you go unused! Don’t be afraid to take that leap of faith. This could be as simple as volunteering at your church or as complex as moving out of state.  Your hearts desires aren’t there by accident. It is all part of your mission here on earth. So watch and listen for the moments when He is nudging you to say YES.

(Batman Kemp trying to come to work with me)

Psalm 37:4

1 Corinthians 10:31

Their Innocence

  

Oh to be a kid again. To be naive to the ugliness of the world. To live with such joy and expectation for each day.  As I am blundering through this thing called parenting my kids are often the ones teaching me life lessons.

We’ve been in the car some A LOT lately.  Which makes for an extra cranky, overly tired family.  The conversations in the car always seem to start out so positive and quickly transform into a “complain about anything and everything that the other person has ever done” fest.  Why do we feel like these are the best times to discuss such deeply intimate things? This is beyond me, but alas it happened this past week.  A late night conversation got a little heated between Brooks and I as we shared emotions and personal issues. Then it happened. That moment when you think your kids are asleep and you hear a faint “mommy” from the back seat.  It was Cohen and he reached up and handed me a drawing of our family surrounded by a bunch of hearts.  He shyly said “this is how much I love our family”.

Oh my heart wanted to burst into a thousand pieces. It’s moments like these that I KNOW children are a gift from God. Cohen humbles me, he brings me back to the simple things in life that are truly of importance.  When I look into my children’s sweet faces I want to be better.  I would move heaven and earth to protect their innocence. I pray daily that it stays as long as possible.  It is in their innocence and pure joy that I feel closest to Heaven.

It’s the moments when I hear him quietly singing along to every song on KLove and hoping the words stick.  The moments when he prays for the poor kids to have blankets.  The moments when I hear him sharing and playing well with all the kids on the playground because he doesn’t see their differences.  The moments where I hear him watching out for his brother. The moments when he asks to hold my hand or to “just cuddle, no kisses” and watch a movie.  How could anyone not believe in God? In these moments He is so vivid and real to me. I don’t deserve these sweet babies. It is not because of me that they are so generous and kind. I, a broken human screw up constantly.  It is only because of God’s sweet grace and mercy. He gives me the strength to be the mommy He created me to be to these precious children of His.  Their unconditional love amazes me.  No matter how many times I mess up or lose my cool I am still the best mommy in the world to them. What a blessing!

So thank you God for these earthly blessings. Their innocence is truly a glimpse of Heaven and  I will continue to be in awe of these little wonders.

A beautiful mess

The other night as I laid down to sleep it all hit me. This past year has been hard. Don’t get me wrong we’ve made some great memories as a family, but it has been hard.  As we are nearing the end of one journey and getting ready to start our next it is getting harder and harder to live in the moment.  It’s hard not to wish away the days. As the tears poured out of my eyes I thought Wow I’m a mess!!. At that moment I felt God say, no you’re right where I wanted you to be. I needed you to go through all of these trials for me to teach you how to live, and live abundantly. So, you’re not a mess, you’re a beautiful mess. The perfect mess for everything I have planned for you.

Some of you may not know our story and without going into much detail here is the gist. We sold our home in Birmingham, MI last June and made the move to Indiana. That alone was a huge leap of faith as we have lived in Michigan mostly since we were married and loved our friends, our community, and our church dearly. This started a new chapter in our lives called “living with the in-laws”.  What was supposed to be a short term arrangement turned into a year plus ordeal.  On top of that Brooks and I decided that I would stay home with the kids, so would end my 6 year working mom streak.  My immediate feelings were excitement and gratitude, however I did not know how this would later play into some of my emotional depression.

If any of you have gone from working mom to stay at home mom you know the feeling.  The feelings of am I doing enough, am I contributing enough to the family, am I successful? Essentially you have no boss to answer to, no specific goals to reach, no star employee awards. So how do you measure? Also I am living in the basement of my in-laws, so I can’t have the “clean house, meal on the table, waiting for my husband to come home” effect.  Instead I’m trying to squeeze what little we were able to bring from storage into a home that two people are already living in.  Mixing our stuff with theirs and trying to make it work.  Let me tell you living out of a storage unit is not fun!

Add house hunting into the mix.  Finding a house is supposed to be the fun part. It has been nothing but a struggle. We have been emotionally attached to three different houses and for all different reasons we did not get any of them.  Even with the home we eventually bought there were challenges.  The current owners decided after accepting our offer that they did not want to sell and it has been extremely difficult trying to work out an option that is good for everyone. There were times where it looked like we may even lose this house. Throw in with all of this a personal loss in our family and you see a year filled with trials and tribulations.

Needless to say I’ve struggled.  I’ve struggled with self worth, acceptance, weight loss, the list goes on. Satan has been lurking in the shadows of every hardship just waiting to whisper lies in my ear. “You’re not even a good mom”, “You’re never going to amount to anything”, “You have no talents”, “You don’t deserve it”.  Plus there has been inevitable strain on Brooks and my marriage. Not living in our own space, having Kemp sleep in our room, constantly talking finances.  We both kept saying if we can make it through this year together we can make it through anything. There were times where we both just had to be honest and say I’m sorry right now I can’t be the person I want to be to you because I’m barely hanging on myself.  We had to give each other grace.  Knowing that the other person was going through so many different things all at once and the journey is different for each of us. Then there were times where we would lock eyes and  say “gosh I love you” and then hug like we were never letting go.

There were times when I felt like I just wasted the last year of my life, but as I laid in bed weeping that night I realized it was a valley God wanted me to walk through.  I’ve learned so much about myself, I’ve overcome fears (ok not the fear of spiders yet), I’ve been able to remove myself enough to see where my real treasures are.  My heart is ready and willing with God by my side to take on the next big chapter of my life.  The chapter where Cohen starts school, the chapter where we get involved in the community, the chapter where we grow from a small starter family to an established family.  This will be the first time that where we live, work and go to school is all in the same area (actually it’s all within 5 miles of each other) and we could not be more thrilled.  So thank you to the friends who have stuck by our side and walked through this journey with us. And to the friends we’ve neglected we are sorry we’ve been MIA lately.  It’s been a crazy ride, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the words of Garth Brooks, “our lives are better left to chance, I could of missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance.”